Business magnate and popular culture icon Donald Trump is being inducted into the celebrity wing of WWE’s Hall Of Fame. And why not? He hosted WrestleMania IV and WrestleMania V in Trump Plaza, was interviewed by Jesse “The Body” Ventura as part of WrestleMania XX and cornered for Bobby Lashley in a WrestleMania 23 “Battle Of The Billionaires” match that saw Vince McMahon get his head shaved. Hell, Trump even won a match against Rose O’Donnell on Raw.
Trump is a deserving honoree, but if we’re being honest, none of his WWE accomplishments stack up to my favorite forced-insertion of The Donald into wrestling television: that time the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling used him as leverage in an attempt to sell a woman into slavery.
This is Daisy. Daisy is a Gorgeous Lady Of Wrestling. Most G.L.O.W. Girls have an occupation or an identifiable trait, like being a Mad Max character or a “Russian traitor.” Daisy was just tall. Oh, and she painted a flower on her face, because “daisy.” Like a lot of wrestlers brought into a promotion because they’re tall, Daisy lacked even the basic skills necessary to convincingly execute the four moves of G.L.O.W. doom — body slam, drop toehold, monkey flip, hair mare. Here she is wrestling Ninotchka, who was like Brigitte Nielsen in Rocky IV, except not.
This is Big Bad Mama. Big Bad Mama is a Gorgeous Lady Of Wrestling. She’s the ace of the “Bad Girls” (what G.L.O.W. called their roster of heels), a master of BLACK VOODOO MAGICKS in an over-sized baby doll dress and face paint who’d destroy you and sit on your throat after the match. It was pretty great. She also dabbles in BLACK VOODOO COMEDY, such as in the G.L.O.W. vignettes where she runs for town mayor (or G.L.O.W. Town, I guess) or that time she squashed Al Bundy on ‘Married With Children.’
The Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling spend a lot of time in Atlantic City (and the G.L.O.W. television show was only 20% wrestling matches, 80% weird backstage lady Hee-Haw segments), so we join the Bad Girls — Big Bad Mama, Daisy, and a few others — in the middle of a conversation in their room at the Trump Plaza. Sample dialogue:
Daisy: “Have you ever been to Atlantic City before, Mama?”
Big Bad Mama: “Uh huh. Frank Sinatra sang here at our Black Magic Convention.”
Stinky: “What’d he sing?”
Big Bad Mama” ♫ “Voodoo-be-dooby-doo, voodoo-be-dooby doo, voodoo-be-dooby doo…” ♫
Yes, there was a G.L.O.W. girl named Stinky. Her gimmick is that she looked like a skunk and smelled bad. She spends most of this segment fanning her armpits with a room service menu.
Daisy mentions that she likes it here, and the others are happy to hear it: they are planning to sell Daisy to the hotel as a maid. I wanted to type up a big thing about how that’s impossible, but she’s sharing a room with a voodoo jokester and a skunk lady, so Jesus, anything is possible. Daisy appeals to fellow Bad Girl “Hollywood” (gimmick: criminal. Also, blonde criminal.), but Hollywood sides with Mama, recommending they try to get MORE money from Trump by selling her as a waitress.
Hollywood casually mentions that she “swiped a letter” from a bellhop, and it’s addressed to Daisy. She “doesn’t know many people who can write,” but it turns out that the note is from DONALD TRUMP HIMSELF, and he wants to take Daisy out to dinner! Daisy trots off to get ready, happy to be freed from her sudden status as ATLANTIC CITY SLAVE, and the seemingly jealous Bad Girls … uh, have a pillow fight.
The letter was all part of the scam! These pro wrestlers, always trying to get over on us!
The Bad Girls brag to each other about who was most responsible for Daisy falling for it. Sample dialogue:
Big Bad Mama: “It was my handwriting that did the trick.”
Stinky: “Big deal, I could’ve done it, too.”
Big Bad Mama: “Yeah, I saw your fool attempt.”
Stinky: “What was wrong with it?”
Big Bad Mama: “YOU SPELLED TRUMP WRONGGG.”
Stinky: “She would’ve never noticed.”
Big Bad Mama: “I’m sure everybody thinks his name is DONALD GRUMP.”
G.L.O.W. is the best show in history, by the way.
Meanwhile, Daisy (after warding off the unwanted advances of lecherous G.L.O.W. promoter Johnny C) is trying to get beauty advice from the most beautiful of all G.L.O.W. girls, Godiva (gimmick: NAKED LADY). Godiva’s advice: be yourself, because trying to be like other G.L.O.W. girls is weird and requires lobotomization. Her words, not mine.
Full of confidence, Daisy is about to walk down to her date, which is happening immediately because Imaginary Donald Trump don’t play. Suddenly, the other Bad Girls burst in with “ain’t I a stinker” looks on their faces, announcing that they will walk Daisy down to her date. That seems weird, but they cover it nicely:
Hollywood: “We wouldn’t miss this for all the money in the world!”
Stinky: “Especially Donald Trump’s!”
So Daisy, Mama, Hollywood and Stinky (my favorite Tom Robbins novel) rush down the escalators and search for Trump, who is nowhere to be found. Hollywood spots some limos in the street and tells Daisy to go check them, so poor Daisy goes trotting out into the street in her cut up stretch pants and daisy facepaint while the others stand at the window and hit her will full-on NYAH HEE HEE laughter. Godiva, oddly, watches from the bushes.
Get ready for the swerve ending.
Daisy checks the first limo she finds, and guess who is waiting there with his door open? DONALD TRUMP. Well, it’s supposed to be Donald Trump. We never see him. I mean, they could’ve put somebody in a wig and had them pretend to be Donald Trump and wrestle a lady, but what kind of fucked-up wrestling promotion would do THAT?
Daisy waves goodbye to her friend-enemies and gets into the limo. Mama, Hollywood and Stinky watch with mouths agape. The laughtrack LOVES IT. From her hiding spot in the bushes, Godiva looks to the heavens and says…
Godiva: “Thank you, Donald.”
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP LIVES IN HEAVEN.
So remember, this April, when Donald Trump is inducted into WWE’s Hall Of Fame, his greatest accomplishment wasn’t humiliating the patriarch of modern wrestling. It wasn’t hosting a Macho Man Randy Savage WWF title win or a Hogan/Savage classic. It was the time he pulled up to a hotel full of G.L.O.W. girls and sat in the parking lot with his limo door open until one of them accidentally wandered into it.